


To Fill With Nothing

by Lanfear



Series: Mass Effect 2 [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-07
Updated: 2013-07-07
Packaged: 2017-12-18 00:35:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/873702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lanfear/pseuds/Lanfear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part 2 of the Mass Effect 2 series I'm doing with a heavier emphasis on Kaidan and how he handled Shepard's death. Kaidan's been cleared for duty, but just barely, and he's still trying to get over what happened to the Normandy and Shepard. His solution? Screw his way around the Citadel in a drunken haze and try to fill the emptiness as best he can. However, a certain someone has shown him that mindless sex is not the answer and a few of his friends rope him into making a decision about his new person of interest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ephemeral Chains

**Author's Note:**

> Though the tag says explicit, I must confess that is only because of a small bit of explicitness that I introduced. I'd like to point out that this isn't going to be an orgy of random one night stands. I'm sorry. :(

Kaidan dreamed. It was soft and warm. A sweet caress. A promise.

Then he felt the change within his dreamscape. The screaming, falling, tearing that threatened to twist his world. The surreal motion of lingering pain and feelings of anguish that eclipsed everything else.

His hands knotted in the sheets as he sweated through the nightmares that always came back to him, no matter how much he tried to drown them in alcohol or numb them with sex. His face was a rictus as he wrestled with his demons and he thrashed softly against the emphemeral chains of his own guilt and it always came back.

*

Kaidan jolted awake with a soft gasp. For a moment, he cast a hunted look around the small, dark room that he was resting in and could feel the sweat run over his naked body in rivulets. He turned away and hung his legs over the edge of the bed and buried his head in his hands, elbows pressing down roughly on his thighs. He could never remember the exact details of the dreams that continually haunted him and for that, he was grateful. But he was certain he knew the cause.

He remained sitting in the position, hunched over with the barest of tremors shaking through the taut muscle in his body, rubbing his eyes with the palm of his hands, as if hoping to wipe away the last vestige images trapped there.

"Hey," a warm, sleepy voice echoed from behind him and he almost flinched. He'd almost forgotten that there was someone else in bed with him and was afraid that he'd been yelling in his sleep again.

He turned slowly to look back at the hand that rested on his muscled shoulder and leaned a weary cheek against the soft comfort there. His eyes traced the limb back, following the lean muscle of the other's arm until he saw the man laying there, tangled in the messy sheets. He couldn't even remember his latest fling's name. Victor or Vincent or.. something.

All that he knew, all that he needed, was there on the other's face. Kaidan found what had drawn him to this man in the first place, deep set blue eyes the colour of the sky.

But only the sky, and not anything else deeper. Never anything deeper.

Kaidan turned his body around and sat cross-legged on the bed to face his lover for the night, uncaring of his nakedness, and took up the other man's hand in his own as he rubbed it slowly and tenderly over his lips, though he never took his gaze off the pair of blue eyes staring back at him.

"You alright?" Victor? Vincent? asked as he pulled himself through the sheets and closer to Kaidan. "Sounds like you had a real bad dream. You were muttering stuff and you're covered in sweat. Here, wrap yourself up in this."

The gesture, while kind, was moot when he considered that the sheets were just as soaked as he was, though he didn't resist as the other man tenderly wrapped him up and then went over to cuddle him with his warmth. Kaidan was grateful that at least his trembling had finally stopped and hoped that his 'acquaintance' didn't notice the way he flinched slightly as the unfamiliar body came round to hug him. Maybe he'd think that he was cold, from the sweat.

Kaidan remained motionless as the man trailed soft kisses across the back of his neck, moving across to his shoulders, as he murmured comforting platitudes about nightmares not being real and how things would be alright in the morning. Kaidan let the man warm him, let him try to chase away the memories as he stared blankly across the room at a dark corner that held nothing.

Kaidan didn't want to remember, but he also didn't want to forget. He'd known men greater than himself who'd ended up drinking their lives away for reasons less than his and he was far too controlled to let the career he'd focused so hard on dry up with the alcohol. So after a few months of trying, unsuccessfully, to drink the pain away he turned to sex.

It was accidental at first, just a pickup during one of his times when he was inebriated enough to let go of the self control he'd spent his life building up and perfecting. It was just a little dancing, nothing more than a little harmless flirting. As they were grinding their bodies together on the dancefloor, watching bodies move around them and through them, Kaidan had suddenly grabbed the other man's face and kissed him. And then everything changed.

In his drunken and broken state, he had closed his eyes and conjured the images of his night with Shepard before Ilos, of the night they had spent before making the Geth run and he had put everything into the kiss with that stranger that he did with Shepard. And he felt him, in that kiss. Oh, he was aware enough to know that it wasn't Shepard, could never _be_ Shepard, but in small ways, he imagined that he was kissing Shepard. Making out with him as they danced their cares away and basked in each other's presence. That night, when he had sex with the stranger back at the other man's apartment, he'd closed his eyes and thought of Shepard the entire time and for the smallest fraction of a moment since the Normandy crashed and burned, he felt whole again.

And so began his addiction. He still did his duty to the Alliance, still performed what throwback jobs they cleared him for, but during the times when he was alone with himself, the times that made him hate himself for having survived John Shepard, he went out to look for something to remind him of his late commander.

Sometimes he thought he saw the same smile on a stranger's lips. Other times, it was the way he looked at someone from behind in the dim light of the clubs and bars. He'd even found interest in someone who had the same first name as Shepard, and during the bout of drunken sex that had followed, he had called it out in between almost every other breath. It was the only name he ever cared to remember through his sexual forays. And more often than not, he'd be attracted to a pair of bright, blue eyes that drew him in. Just like this night.

When the alcohol haze cleared the next day, he was always ashamed of himself for what he did and what he had done to those well meaning strangers. He knew that he should have been moving on with his life and keeping the honour of his memories as just memories. He'd often left before his sexual partners woke up, not wanting to realize the truth of waking up next to someone that he really didn't know, and tried his best to avoid leaving any notes or information that would point in his direction. It had been akward when some of them wanted more than what he could offer, the first few times, even more so when he didn't have a veil of alcohol to hide behind if he saw them anywhere else. He'd berated and tried to convince himself to move on and move away, but he knew that deep down the emptiness would never be filled and what he had gotten would trickle away; he was always yearning for just a little more.

Kaidan turned around in the other man's grasp as he was muttering something about changing the sheets so that they could get a proper night's rest and cupped that narrow chin in his hands as he brought his forehead up and kissed it softly. He flicked his tongue over and around the skin, kept teasing the other man until he heard the want moan through. He didn't stop though, couldn't stop, as he stared unblinkingly at the pair of blue eyes in front of him. As his partner got more into the act, Kaidan saw him close his eyes to better enjoy the sensations that were playing across his skin, and that was when he pulled up short.

"I think we can find something better to do than sleep tonight," he crooned into the ear across from those blue eyes, and felt the lean body in his grip tighten in anticipation, knowing that he could feel his own wants tightening as well.

Kaidan pulled him over and rolled him onto the drier side of the bed, beneath him, and rubbed his stiffening erection against the stomach of the body underneath him as he watched, which earned him an approving groan that he was happy to cue off. He raised himself up and balanced his weight spread across both knees as he stradled the lean chest under him and moved up so that his cock was right before the other man's mouth as he lay under him, an invitation to suck him off and ramp up the sexual encounter.

Despite the fatigue that both men were clearly experiencing, he took Kaidan's length in with eagerness, nearly gagging as Kaidan thrust in too quickly. His partner's eyes screwed shut in reflex and Kaidan pulled back slightly, giving the man some breathing room and forced himself to move at a slower pace. He placed his hands against the side of the man's face, thumbs just at the corner of each eye and moved his thumbs upward in gentle, circling motions, trying to indicate without words that he wanted him to look up at him.

"Please, I... uh... I like it when you look at me when..." Kaidan trailed off and felt dirty at suggesting it so bluntly but knew he couldn't help himself if his partner didn't take the hint and look at him. It was something that he had repeated constantly during the sex that they'd had just hours ago and he knew he'd be saying it a few more times again in the minutes to come. He felt sickened with himself.

Whatever he was thinking about the situation was washed away and heat warmed through Kaidan's chest as his partner smiled up at him through his head motions and raised his gaze up, taking in more of Kaidan's cock into his mouth while those eyes stared back at him, glimmering with desire and lust.

He knew he should have just tried to go back to sleep or should have just left but, coward that he was, he wanted to see those blue eyes staring back at him with lust, needed to see those deep, blue pools wanting him in that way, just one more time.


	2. A Really Damn Good Idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate Udina. Anyone else feel that way? Also, I'm thinking that people are more interested in reading dialogue. I'm trying to include more dialogue in my works. *Wrings hands*

His omni-tool chirpped noisily at him, insistently dragging him up from sleep. Kaidan groaned as he turned over and raised his arm over his head and activated the sub-console, just the smaller, rounder part of his omni-tool that covered the back of his left hand. He stared blearily at the numbers running across the interface and took a moment to process the time display. 1447 hours, Citadel time. He lowered his arm roughly, letting it bounce on the rough mattress beneath him as he tried to close his eyes and go back to sleep.

It was a futile attempt, especially with the hangover that played through his brain.

He'd just visited his therapist three days back, who was pleasantly surprised with his progress, and he had been cleared for a minor reconnaissance and intel gathering from the C-Sec mission archives. They had 'requested' his presence in trying to determine if there was a connection between the Geth and the series of missing human colonies around the Terminus Systems that had a growing number of people worried. Nothing much, just that it would have gone smoother if there was someone with his unique biotic and technical expertise to go along with the rest of the team. A specialist of sorts. And of course, there hadn't been any fighting, just drops being made on deserted colonies where the attacks had hit and scrounging the area for evidence.

Since the matter was of a 'human concern', Councilor Udina had free reign and had enlisted the Alliance to oversee jurisdiction supervision and had implemented Alliance military might and protocols to tackle the issue. And despite everything else, all the preparations and resources, they had still returned to the Citadel empty handed.

It had been ten days since the stranger with the brilliant, blue eyes and over a year and half after the Normandy had shattered across the planet of Alchera. It was the only way Kaidan kept track of the days that passed.

The omni-tool's hidden snoozer function triggered and blared its alarm proudly through the cramp military quarters that he'd been assigned as he worked in tandem with C-Sec.

"Okay, okay. I'm up. I'm getting up," he muttered to nobody and activated the permanent shutdown routine that made his mind work, banishing any thoughts of returning to sleep. He turned to hang his feet over the side of the cot and stretched his sore and tired muscles, arching his back till he heard a satisfying series of small pops. He stood up on the cold floor and walked over to his locker opposite from his bed and opened it to remove a protein bar.

He swung the locker door wider and unwrapped his tasteless meal as he studied his reflection in the mirror that was a standard in all their private metal cubicles. A lined and slightly worn out face stared back at him, wrinkles starting to show around the edges of his sad, brown eyes. The bags underneath them were becoming more pronounced as well, from a myriad of reasons, and he was sure that they'd probably just get deeper and deeper as time went on. His hair was messy from the night's sleep though it was always the same just-a-little-longer-than-regulations length and he sighed around the mouthful of protein as he noticed the increasing numbers of gray mixed in with the jet black.

His eyes drifted down his naked body, noted and at least approved of this feature, and took the muscles on his chest and his arms. His stomach wasn't as lean as it used to be, though perhaps that might have had something to do with the constant drinking that he'd been doing in recent months, but the added muscle was definately noticeable, and he didn't really mind. Physical exercise was just another tool he used to fight back the dark emptiness that always tried to encroach back into his life. Altogether, he looked bigger and more imposing, more aged at having to carry his life's burdens with him. He'd lost what little innocence he'd had after the Normandy looked more like a veteran soldier than an Alliance poster child.

Swallowing the last mouthful of calories, another thing that had added pounds of muscle to his frame, he went over to the small water dispenser at the corner of the bunk and washed the taste of stale alcohol and murky protein out of his mouth with a few quick swallows. That done, he went down onto his knees on the cold floor and started his morning warm up routines of pushups, squats and crunches. It also gave him time to plan the rest of his day and consider what he was going to do with himself for the next two days.

Despite only being restored to his first real action days ago, Alliance terms still stipulated that their personnel have two days off during a Citadel standard week if they are on active duty on the Citadel or working in conjunction with any Citadel agencies. Something that Udina had been very clear in expressing to any human who decided to take up Council offers and jobs. Despite how much of a politician he was, Kaidan had to admit he grudgingly respected the man for his considerations of his own people.

After returning from his first mission though, the last thing he wanted was to have a break all to himself. Just the mere thought of investigating human colonies brought back memories of Eden Prime and the atrocities that he had seen when he was with Shepard, which ultimately led him back to thoughts of Shepard. He wasn't tired enough from the mission to fall asleep instantly and he knew that tossing and turning might have resulted in him being thrown out of the bunk, so he resolved to find a shady, out of the way spot and drank enough of... something to numb his memories before he staggered back to his bed and collapsed. Now he paid for it with a hangover that was mericifully less painful than his trips down memory lane so he didn't complain about his situation as much as he would have used to.

He'd finish up his warm up routine, wash himself up, head to the mess hall and grab some much needed nourishment before he put himself into his paces at the gym and exercise wing. He had some paperwork to file, funny how they still borrowed that term when there was hardly any paper involved, and would have to report his findings directly to Admiral Anderson and Coucilor Udina before he'd have the rest of the day, and the next two days, to himself. Which was something that he had been dreading, if he was being honest with himself. Well, he knew of a certain way that he could take care of that little problem, though he tried not to think so much about it and the slight swell of anticipation he felt at the thought.

*

Anderson and Udina shared a troubled look as they watched Kaidan salute them and turn to leave the offices. They mulled over, in silence, the depressing news that they'd just been delivered. Human colonies abducted and no trace of anything that could tie in the major anti-human groups in any sector. Udina especially looked ready to chew through his desk and the floor beneath it for good measure.

"This is an outrage! Do they think that we will just sit here and wait for them to take another colony? The Council must hear of our findings and I will _demand_ their involvement!" Udina raged.

Anderson took a deep breath before turning to look at Udina. "Councilor, you know as well as I do that one human colony isn't going to be enough to move the rest of the Council to action. We don't even have proof dammit. What we need is more information."

"Perhaps we should contact the Shadow Broker and ask them for any information that they might have gathered," Udina sneered. Well, it seemed that he sneered anyway.

"No, Councilor, I don't think that'll be necessary. We need our agents combing through the evidence. We need more soldiers like Alenko on site and we need the resources that the Council can offer us."

"And what would you suggest Anderson? Go digging through rocks and abandoned buildings looking for more evidence that isn't there? Or maybe we should just send every available man we have to occupy all the colonies in the Terminus system?"

Anderson let Udina's sarcasm roll over his stoic expression as his thoughts turned inward. Yes, they would need more soldiers like Kaidan long before this was over. They needed Shepard back, and wasn't it just convinient that he'd gleaned a tiny tidbit of information that morning. He turned his penetrating gaze back on Udina, the gaze that told the man _I knocked you out once before, and if you leave me no choice, I_ will _do it again._

"Actually Udina, you might have something. If we could find out who's been staging these abductions, we might be able to predict where they'll strike next. We could reinforce those colonies that appear to be at a higher risk."

"Have you actually been present in the room Anderson? We don't even know who's behind the attacks let alone how to plan for a counterstroke! You'd have better luck predicting the movements of a ghost!" Udina always ranted when he was upset.

"We need Shepard, Udina."

"Shepard?! You want to send a ghost to chase a ghost? Your acerbic mind knows no bounds! Did you even thin-"

"Udina, there are rumours that Shepard is still alive," Anderson interrupted quietly, "Reports from agents that he might've been taken by Cerberus after Alchera. I don't know how they found him or what they've been doing to him for the last year and more, but the number of sources can't make it coincidence."

"Cerberus? Yes, I can see why they'd want to keep him alive. The shining light of humanity," Udina muttered and had calmed almost instantly at this new piece of information. He was always like that, throwing angry words when he had no outlet and becoming cunningly calculative when a solution was provided for him to work on.

Anderson grimaced slightly in distaste, wondering just how much the pro-human Councilor approved of an organization like Cerberus. "From what I've heard, there are a few stations that are known Cerberus bases and have been funneling huge amounts of resources. We haven't had time, but we could narrow it down to the most obvious ones."

"What?" Udina sputtered in realization, "You want to go and get him out of there? No, Admiral, I'm afraid that's out of the question. For whatever reason, he's still with them and they need him for something. Maybe he was... damaged after Alchera and they're rebuilding him. Or maybe they need him as much as we do. I can't see someone like the Illusive Man letting human concerns bypass him..."

The grimace of distate turned into a full-blown frown at the words. "Councilor, I understand your concern and Shepard was.. is a good soldier, a good man. I won't leave him in Cerberus' hands if he's still alive. Who knows what they're doing to him. You saw the reports, Thorian creepers and man-made husks! How can you allow that to happen to one of our finest Commanders?"

Udina waved away the question and gesticulated with his other hand, "You don't know if they're doing anything of the sort with him that they-"

"We don't know what they're doing to him, Udina! That's just what I'm trying to-"

"No, Anderson! I'm trying to stop the political storm from hitting the Citadel and humanity in the process. Can you imagine what would happen if Shepard were linked to a terrorist organization that is pro-human? What the rest of the galaxy will think our species? No, we leave him where he is for now. We will have to explore other avenues to stop the abductions."

"Councilor, I can have the information we need in days! Just give me an infiltration team and a hard hitting strike for and we can-"

"Haven't you heard a word I've been saying, Anderson!" Udina practically yelled as he slammed a fist on top of his desk, "The political consequences for humanity could be disastrous! No! I will not allow you to endanger our people without any solid evidence or good reason. This discussion is over, Admiral. I suggest you spend your time worrying about getting us more information about who's behind these attacks on our colonies."

Anderson bit back the rage-filled reply that almost burst from his mouth and schooled his face as he turned to walk out the office, refusing to honour the man with a salute that he'd never even register. As the door opened in front of him, he heard Udina's last statement.

"And don't even think about going behind my back on this one, Admiral. I doubt the Council will grant you the resources you need if you tell them you're chasing after a dead man."

Anderson stiffened slightly and doubled his pace as the door slid shut behind him.

*

Kaidan wandered aimlessly as he let his feet carry him around the Presidium. For all his training, all his honed instincts and control, he still felt the urge to dwell on the past stir within him. He just couldn't let it go, and everytime he looked up, the dull memories of his time with Shepard would be reflected in that cafe or this garden. He'd grown to intensely dislike the rebuilt Presidium Commons and tried to keep his face down and watch the slow, methodical fall of his boots.

It was still too early to be drinking, though his mouth craved the stinging numbness that drinking promised him. He had some paperwork to file, the last bit of work he'd have to do before he had the next two day cycles to himself. He thought perhaps he'd head back to the exercise field and work his body ragged until exhaustion claimed him. He'd get a little bit of dreamless sleep after that, if he was lucky, and it'd keep him away from the bottle as well. That would give him enough energy to go out tonight and look for something to fill the growing hole within him. _Yeah, that sounds like a really damn good idea_.


	3. A Dark Star Falls

The thrumming music beat against his skin as Kaidan sat at the bar of the Dark Star Lounge drinking the poison he ordered just minutes ago. Well, perhaps it wasn't _that_ poisonous, but it's noxious green tint certainly lent it a menacing reputation, especially among the humans that patronized the area. The music wasn't overly loud and there were rarely any drinks served that were illegal or completely noxious, the area rather well lit for a club and everything was kept spick and span; in other words, the 'club' that he tended to frequent was just an extension of the Citadel itself.

Kaidan swirled the emerald liquid in his glass and shifted in his seat. The shirt he was wearing was uncomfortably tight, but showed off his hard earned muscle to perfection in the shifting strobe. His trousers were similarly tight around the thighs, groin and rear areas and the supple material flowed around his calves down to his shoes. He shifted again as the inseam began to ride up his groin and resisted the urge to fidget and squirm. He hated wearing something so restrictive, clothes made only with the purpose to show-off and titilate, and they were expensive besides. So he'd only gotten the one shirt and one pants that would be the only set of civilian clothing that he would ever wear when he went out drinking.

He glanced to his right as he brought his glass up for a sip, eyes searching for the young man that had given him considerable attention when he'd first walked into Dark Star and had ordered his first drink. The alcohol was already making it difficult to focus, but he was nothing but stubborn, searching and probing the bar area, the tables to his left and the dancefloor further on.

_Ah. There he is._

The person of interest was leaning against the wall, just before the dancefloor. He was nodding his head in response to the music and watching the dancers move among one another. He hadn't noticed Kaidan staring, which afforded him some time to take in the sight before him. Strong legs, thighs that were almost as thick as Kaidan's was. He had close cropped hair, but it wasn't the Alliance standard, a dark tuft of fringe jutting up above his forehead and waved slightly to the side. A strong jaw, with a slightly aquiline nose and dark brown eyes. He was standing with his arms folded across his chest, leaning back slightly with his hips cocked forward, head tilted slight back and to the side and when Kaidan squinted his eyes slightly, he could almost imagine it was Shepard, standing there in his signature pose of impatience and Kaidan felt a familiar tightening in his throat.

The green gunk was already working it's way through his system, it was the third glass that he had ordered since he stepped in, and he could feel the tingling numbness seep into his brain and other parts of his body. He felt stirrings of anticipation that swelled his cock and made it feel warm and heavy as he tossed back the last of his drink and stood up to make his way over to the person he was hoping to spend the night with.

His sauntering walk was slightly unbalanced though he made sure to keep his feet steady through the pleasant haze that covered him and plastered a small smile on his face as he made his way over, taking note of how the other man had noticed his approach and had looked up in his direction, gaze fixed hungrily on him. The excitement wound its way more tightly around his chest as he felt his steps hurry him forward, despite his trying to appear relaxed and unhurried.

"John? Oh my God, John! It is you! I thought you were dead!" a voiced washed over from behind him and all lustful thoughts in his head evaporated and froze him on the spot, one foot comically raised off the ground.

His alcohol adled mind could barely process the words, let alone use reason to shake him out of his delirium and with a sharp thudding in his chest he turned slowly around to look back at who had uttered those disastrous words, all thoughts of the other man before him completely forgotten.

There, near the entrance to Dark Star, was a small table and a group of two men and a woman who were standing and speaking to another man, who had his back turned toward Kaidan, giving him backslaps and shaking his hand. Kaidan's world narrowed to a single point as he fumbled with the sight before him. Shepard's crew cut hair, the way his muscles bunched under the white shirt he was wearing and that pose, that familiar pose. Kaidan's breath came out in raspy gasps and his heart was trying to pound its way out of his chest and he took an unconcious step towards the group.

John Shepard, alive. It _was_ him. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't allow himself to believe anything else.

The man turned slightly to his left to speak to the woman and Kaidan's mouth tightened with want and desperation as he thought he recognized that familiar profile, the sharp blue eye and slightly stubbled jawline. My God, John.

Even if Kaidan had been totally sober and wasn't pining for his lost lover, he'd have been hard pressed to control the surge of emotions that raged through him and he felt his feet carry him onward, like a stumbling sleepwalker searching for something that could only be found in his dreams. As it was, with amount that he'd drunk, he was certainly in no position to use logic and reason and kept stumbling forward, bumping into chairs and patrons unheedinly as he kept walking to the small group that surrounded the man he had loved. A rough shove from someone who obviously didn't appreciate being walked into pushed him up against one of the bar stools and he lost his sense of balance as he stumbled and fell to his knees.

*

The commotion had caught the eye of the stranger and he turned to see what had happened, noticing the man in the soft, light blue shirt and dark jeans as he collapsed onto the floor just before the bar. With concern in his eyes, he hurried over to help the man stand and hoped that he wasn't too inebriated to walk himself out of the lounge. He knelt before the kneeling man and placed a comforting and steadying hand on his shoulders before he spoke up.

"Hey there, friend. You alright?" he asked and felt the tremors that were running through the other man's body. He also felt the man under his hands flinch at his voice and used one hand to gently lift the other man's chin up so that he could get a closer look at his pupils, to see if there were any abnormal dilations.

Words died on his tongue when he saw the sorrowful, brown eyes look imploringly up at him, fresh tears coursing their way down flushed cheeks. A full mouth and a heartbreakingly handsome face, despite some gray in his hair. And a deep, raspy voice that could melt steel.

"John? John, is that you? You're... alive?" the kneeling man whispered and it sounded like his voice was about to break.

"I'm..." he cleared his throat roughly, "I'm sorry, but have we met?"

"John, it's me. It's Kaidan. I..."

He pondered the statement, and the obvious wanting and yearning that had laced Kaidan's words. "I'm sorry, Kaidan, but I don't think I know you. My name is Mark. Mark Johnson. I'm a doctor and I can help you if you're... well..."

The man, Kaidan, roughly shook his head and braced one of his hands against his temple, almost as if he were trying to grind the thoughts out of his head. "What... but I... we haven't..."

Something was definately wrong, either too much drink or he'd been taking drugs and was suffering from some chemical feedback from the effects. "Here, lean on me and we'll get you out of here."

He shifted his weight and knelt alongside Kaidan, balancing him and hooking his arm under Kaidan's armpits and over his neck to brace him. Mark looked up to see the concerned look of his friends as they half stood, obviously contemplating whether to come forward and help. He waved them back down and mouthed an apology as he shouldered the staggering man. As he moved forward, he felt Kaidan stumble and instinctively raised a hand to support him, placing it over his chest, feeling a moment of appreciation at the hard, thick muscle there and tentatively moved together out of the Dark Star Lounge.

*

Kaidan felt something firm and cold press against his back and head, craddling him with hard fingers. He cracked open his eyes and his gaze immediately focused on the man in front of him. Blue eyes, strong jaw. John. John Shepard.

No! John's dead,

he told himself violently and he could feel a migraine building up from the direction of his amp, a usual side effect when his mind was under extreme duress and had trouble coping with the chemical flood of information across his nervous system.

"What.. what happened? Where am I?" he asked, wanting to look around but unable to tear his eyes away from the face that seemed so familiar to him.

The man, Mark had he said?, smiled a small smile that made Kaidan's heart skip several beats before he replied softly, "We're just outside Dark Star. I had to bring you out, away from the noise. You looked ready to fall over, in there."

"I..." Kaidan hesitated, closed his eyes and reached up with one hand to massage his temple as he considered the information that he could remember. A doctor, whose name was Mark, though the three people in there had called him John.

"I'm sorry if I made a scene back there. I, uh... I'm doing better now. I'd hate to keep you from your friends... Mark."

A slight hesitation before he said the name, his mind desperately trying to come to grips with the fact that this wasn't John Shepard. As he stared back up at the kind expression on the other man's face, he began to notice slight differences between this man and his late commander. His eyes were spaced slightly more further apart, had a more exotic almond-shaped cast to them. Thicker eyebrows and just a hint of a fringe that John Shepard had lacked, and that Kaidan had failed to see in his slightly drunk state and the lounge's dim light. Thinner lips and less pronounced cheek bones. No, it wasn't Shepard and Kaidan wanted to kick himself for making such a stupid mistake, for still pining away for a man who was dead over a year now.

Kaidan forced himself to stand, his movement drawing the other man away from him as Mark stepped back to give him room. Kaidan shook his head again, trying to clear the cobwebby feeling inside and swayed slightly as he found his balance.

Mark frowned slightly, "You'll have to excuse me for saying so, but I really don't think you're doing any better than you were in there Kaidan. You've had quite alot of drink I'd wager."

 _Well, you'd win that wager Mark_ , Kaidan thought wryly to himself. Still, he didn't say it out loud and instead forced himself to stand straighter, "Look... I... No. It's fine. I'm fine, really." He even spread his arms out, showing the doctor how co-ordinated he could be, and only ruined it slightly when he almost toppled to the side from the motion.

"Really, Kaidan?" a faint smile tugged along Mark's face as his eyes swept over the stretched chest muscles and thick arms. Mark's eyes travelled back to Kaidan's face just in time to pick out the slight frown on his mouth. Was it something he said, had Kaidan noticed the way he was admiring the man's muscled torso?

"Look," Kaidan took a breath, "I really appreciate your help in there, but I'm sure you have better things to do than sit out here speaking to a drunken soldier. I've wasted enough of your time and... maybe we should both get going." He turned and began to stumble away from Dark Star and had taken a few halting steps before Mark caught up to him and walked beside him.

"Hey, look. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so concerned you know? I get it, you're a tough guy and I'm sorry if my looking at you made you feel uncomfortable." Mark ranted, trying to find a reason for Kaidan's coldness.

Kaidan froze again, midstep, almost falling over forward but was steadied by Mark's quick reflexes. And warm palm against his aching chest. "You're," Kaidan swallowed, "You were... looking at me?"

He turned to look at Mark out of the corner of his eyes and saw the faint blush there and the chagrined expression on his face and felt the familiar heat kindling its way around his body.

"Hey, I'm sorry about that, truly. No everyone is into... that kind of thing, and sometimes I forget, you know? Anyway, I'd like to help you get back in one piece before I head back to Dark Star. If you're okay with the company." The blush was growing more crimson by the second and Kaidan found the he quite liked it.

"Well, the company... would be great. Maybe you don't have to make it back to your friends... tonight?" Kaidan hinted around a seductive smile.

Mark pulled up short and stood there for a second before continuing along beside Kaidan again.

"I, uh, hate to ask you so bluntly Kaidan, but are you hitting on me?"

"Well, what does it feel like to you Mark?"

Mark had to laugh at the brashness of his remark, "Well Kaidan, I'm really flattered. Truly. But I don't do, ah, one night hook-ups, if that's what you're asking for. I'm more a get-to-know-someone-first kind of guy before I go ahead with anything more... dramatic"

Kaidan felt the heat fizzle and die within him and he couldn't stop the disappointment from emerging together with his words. "Oh. I.. uh.. I'm sorry."

Mark laughed again, seeing how uncomfortable he was making the other man feel. "Nah, don't be sorry. It's perfectly natural to want a quick tumble now and again, you know? I used to do it too, but it's pretty meaningless when you come to think about it. Left me feeling hollower than before. It's like you're trying to fill a void with water instead of something more... concrete."

"Yeah," Kaidan whispered, unnerved at how close Mark was at hitting close to the bone.

They continued on in silence for a while, Mark glancing over at Kaidan every so often to make sure the man was still keeping his feet as they both shuffled along. Kaidan barely looked where he was going, head crowded with thoughts and he could feel them clarifying as his amp-heightened metabolism burned through the alcohol faster than normal.

"So uh... Your name is Mark? But your friends were calling you.. calling you... John." Kaidan could barely get the name to pass through his lips.

With a smile, Mark picked up the thread immediately, "Yeah, it's kinda my nickname. I mean they aren't really close friends and the woman, Lisa, she was a patient of mine. I helped her husband out with some medical problems that they had and we kinda drew close after that. Always called me Dr. Johnson back then, but people like to shorten names and somehow, they always turn Johnson into John, you know?"

Kaidan walked along silently, listening to the way the man spoke, trying to pretend it was someone else speaking to him. It wasn't easy, especially with the different speech patterns, inflections and cadence, but as he plodded along, his peripheral vision almost made it seem like Shepard was there, walking and talking to him at the same time. He could feel the words wash over him, the familiar presence at this side and he wanted so desperately to close his eyes and pretend that it was just him and Shepard, walking and chatting on their way back home after a night at the bar with one another.

"-do you do?" Mark asked, and startled Kaidan out of his reverie.

"I'm, uh.. I'm a soldier. With the Alliance. Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko."

An appreciative whistle escaped Mark's pursed lips. "Wow, a Staff Commander huh? That's really quite impressive Kaidan. Especially for someone as young as you."

Kaidan felt an odd feeling of pride at the compliment and the desire to snap out a retort that he wasn't _that_ young and finally settled with a more neutral statement. "I may not look it but.. I'm not as young as you think I am, doctor" he said with a hint of a smirk.

Mark's full grin caught him by surprise as he replied, "I guessed as much Kaidan, but it seems that it's really difficult to try and give you a compliment."

Realizing that he'd been baited, he tried to hide the blush that was now crawling over _his_ face and let silence descended as he focused on the task of walking back to the C-sec bunks.

After several more minutes of walking, with the random questions and replies thrown in along the way, Kaidan finally reached the haven that he'd been aiming for and turned to face Mark at the periphery.

"Hey, look. Thanks again for walking me back. Are you.. uh.. are you sure I can't convince you to, uh.. you know, come in for a drink... or something?"

"Really, Kaidan? You still trying hard for that? I think you've already had enough to drink mister. And forgive me but, uh, this is a military bunk is it not? I don't think it would be a good idea for me to do anything of... that sort, in there with other soldier around, you know?" Mark replied, fighting hard not to grin at the uncomfortable shifting Kaidan was displaying. _Damn, but he's adorable_.

"Look I'll tell you what," Mark said after Kaidan turned to go, "Here's my omni-tool contact info. In case you wanna talk or something. I'm free tomorrow if you're, you know, interested..." He waved his hand over Kaidan's arm and triggered the package sending routine. It would hover there at the edge of Kaidan's omni-tool and would until he either deleted the information or accepted it.

Kaidan paused and stared at the glowing interface on his left arm. He looked up again and Mark saw a cheeky grin spread across the other man's face. "Are you... asking me out on a date, doctor?"

Now Mark was flustered, and while he tried to stutter out a reply Kaidan pre-empted him by saying, "I'll call you tomorrow Mark. I think I'd like that." Kaidan took a step forward and leaned into Mark, making him feel slightly uncomfortable at the breach of personal space but also feeling a warm flush as it moved through his belly and travelled down into his groin. Mark wondered if Kaidan realized how seductive he was looking right now, lips slightly apart and brown eyes pulling him in.

Kaidan leaned forward and brushed a chaste kiss against Mark's lips, whose eyes widened at first, then closed slightly as he took in the warm fullness of Kaidan's soft mouth. Just a quick peck, less than a heartbeat, and Kaidan was pulling back, an stunned expression on his face that Kaidan was sure mirrored the stunned expression on Mark's. He wanted more.

"Uh... Good night, Mark. And thank you," Kaidan finally said, ending the akward silence that was stretching between them.

"You're welcome Kaidan," and Mark turned, glanced back once more with a smile, and made his way back to Dark Star.

Kaidan watched him go until the man turned round the corner wall, glancing back one more time, and disappeared from his sight. Kaidan let out a pent up breath that he hadn't realized he'd been holding in. He brought a hand up and placed a finger experimentally on his mouth and resisted the urge to lick his lips at the memory of the kiss. It was the first time he'd kissed anyone since the first drunken encounter he'd had after the Normandy. He'd had many one-nighters after but he had never kissed them, never allowed anyone to perform an act that was for him, sacred to one person.

As he turned and walked through the portal, loosing himself in memory and thoughts, he instinctively raised his hand to rub against his temple in an effort to stem the migraine that had been building since outside Dark Star. It was with a little surprise, and alot of rubbing, before he realized that the tell-tale signs of his headache were completely and utterly gone.


	4. Tangible Nourishment

Kaidan was still wrapped in the muffled comfort of sleep when he heard the sounds of several people rustling about the communal bunk that he shared. The sound, which normally had to pass through a shield of alcohol and a barrier of numb exhaustion, broke straight through and caused his eyes to pop wide open.

It was bright, the artificial lighting of the enclosed space mixing with the brighter light that was streaming in through the doorway. He lay there on his side as he blinked his eyes repeatedly in order to wipe the sleep away from them and focused on the figures that were moving around the bunk.

He saw Turanas moving around, a decidedly neutral looking turian wearing only the lower parts of his armour, speaking to Harvey, a young, human male who had just recently transferred in from another division of C-Sec, though Kaidan hadn't had a chance to speak to him yet.

Turanas was quite intimidating and his face appeared to be carved from steel, his expression never changing if he were shot through the arm or if he'd made the bust of the year; Turanas was about as expressive as a Hanar. At least the Hanar had more speech inflections when it spoke. Despite this apparently unapproachable demeanor, Turanas always took it upon himself to speak to the newer bunkmates more frequently and several of the older ones knew that Turanas had sent many discreet requests for a posting in the C-Sec Academy as an instructor. So far, there hadn't been any replies, though they were sure that any acceptance or rejection would be met with the same bland expression.

Traatos was another turian that was shifted here about the same time that Kaidan was, so he was still coming out of his shell, though most of them knew that he was even more a romantic than he was militant. The inside of Traatos' personal locker was filled with poetry from all the different galatic civilizations and Kaidan had even heard him muttering words from Hanar literature, a precedent that had caused the others to tease him even more, which resulted in the closest thing that Kaidan had ever seen to a turian blush.

Kardack was jitteringly editing some information on his omni-tool as he paced around the narrow confines, his salarian eyes even bigger than usual has he flew through the data that was presenting itself on his interface. He was also uncharacteristically silent and had only ever said an entire sentence once that Kaidan was aware of. He tended towards monosyllabic responses and was rather patient with his thoughts, which Kaidan always thought odd especially since his physical tics tended to be on the faster extreme of the usual salarian gesticulations and pace. He also had a habit of staring unflinchingly wide-eyed at whoever was speaking to him and tended to remain that way even when the speaker had died down and looked away.

And there was Masyra, an asari just-turned-matron who was as tough as krogan scales, lovingly wiping down and checking the sights of her standard issue assault rifle. She was short for an asari and her movements were clipped and efficient, quite the contrast for a race that prided itself on grace and poise, and she had a similar no nonsense attitude when it came to the law. She reminded Kaidan of Ashley Williams in many ways, though she lacked the interest in literature that the latter always had. She was like a big sister for the rest of their little 'family' here in C-Sec and she always took it upon herself to make sure that everyone stayed out of trouble as much as possible. If they _did_ get into any trouble, she'd be the first to pull their asses out of it, hand it back to them and kick it all the way around the Presidium until they realized what a stupid thing it was to do. Then she'd congratulate you for succeeding in making a fool out of yourself.

She was especially protective of Kaidan, in an annoyingly endearing mother hen kind of way that always made him cringe at the thought and feel warm inside at the same time. The warm feeling came from her being the only other biotic who shared this small bit of personal space and he guessed she saw him as some prodigal project for her to maintain and guide. He cringed because she had taken a personal interest in making sure that he was 'emotionally invested and stable' by trying to hook him up with any man, woman or hanar that she could.

Masyra looked up from her maintenance and saw that Kaidan was awake and staring at her, which caused her to smile beamingly at him, pulling at the scar that crossed her lips and ended just above her chin and below her eye. Kaidan immediately shut his eyes and hoped that she wouldn't call attention to him being awake. After several beats of silence, in which the silence stretched and he anticipated the damning shout from his bunkmate, he opened his eye a crack and saw a pair of stocky legs right in front of him.

His gaze slowly tracked up following those legs, following the barely obvious curve of hips and the black tank top that hugged it and up to an ample expanse of bossom. He caught a scarred grin before he heard Masyra speak up.

"Alenko," she boomed, "you're up early. And you don't smell like a batarian brewery. I'm guessing that your 'friend' last night made sure you couldn't get into his pants that easily eh?" She scoffed and Kaidan could feel the blush in his cheeks.

"I.. Friend? Uh.. What?" Kaidan gabbled stupidly.

Masyra pounced on the opening, "Oh come on Alenko, you know that C-Sec has surveillance systems everywhere. Especially any areas where you have to get _in_ to C-Sec. We saw the whole thing from upstairs." Her gaze turned predatory and Kaidan was sure her grin would have been more fitting on the face of a psychotic killer rather than an asari investigator, "So! Let the _varren_ loose on the _kardatch_. Who was he? Someone special? You going to sleep with him? Have you _already_ slept with him?"

The barrage of questions left him momentarily stunned and he was aware that the rest of the bunk were turning from their routines to stare at the interrogation. Turanas had a turian smirk on his face, mandibles flared wide and eye plates pulled down in humour.

"Leave him alone Mas, not everyone has your... taste in partners," Traatos quipped from his corner. Kaidan was infinitely grateful to him for that, though he felt a little sorry when Masyra spun fluidly toward the turian at the comment. Traatos raised his hands in mock surrender as she began to advance upon him. "Sometimes," Traatos said as he inched away, "people want someone with sophistication. Someone with gentlemanly manners."

Masyra's brow ridges were drawn down and her face looked stormy, Kaidan could see her hands clenching and unclenching and he was wondering if she was imagining the turian's neck in between her hands. Traatos hopped over to hide between Turanas and Harvey as he danced away from Masyra's reach.

"You listen here you little _badartach_ ," Masyra almost hissed, "what I do and whom I do it with are none of your business. Besides that Krogan was an accomplished business man and even though he was illegally selling quads on the black market, he was a real fine piece of ass."

"Oh yeah, Mas. He was a real ass alright," Traatos sniggered, still nimbly hopping in between Turanas and Harvey while Masyra clawed the space in between.

"That's not what I said!"

"Hmm. I think the translator program was having trouble with that. I'll have to get that thing checked out."

"While you're at it, why don't you get your brain replaced as well. It might make you a better officer."

"Maybe you should get your face done, Mas. You know, so that you don't scare away any civilians that come to you with leads for your investigations."

Kaidan let the tirade wash over him as he slowly picked himself up and collected his thoughts. He really didn't want to answer Masyra, though he knew that she'd never give up on her questions until he had satisfied her with an answer for each. Besides, he didn't want Traatos smeared against the walls and floor as thanks for stepping in. He cleared his throat just loud enough that Masyra had stopped and turned to him, with one grip on the turian's forearm and another being held back by Traatos.

"He.. uh," Kaidan cleared his throat again, this time because there was a dryness there that had nothing to do with the air, "He's just a friend Mas. I met him at Dark Star and his name's Mark. No, I.. uh, I haven't slept with him and I don't think he's interested in sleeping with me."

Kaidan had ticked off each question in his head as he answered, and hoped that he got them all, refusing to look away as Masyra dropped Traatos and stalked her way back to him. She leaned close into his face and he tried to swallow the worry that was building up as he stared at her brilliant, purplish eyes.

"So. You haven't slept with him. He's not a fling then. Is there something more here, Alenko?"

"Um, Mas, I.. Why are you so concerned with that? Isn't who I sleep with and what I do during my nights, my business?" Kaidan retorted.

The serious cast to Masyra's face shifted so suddenly that Kaidan almost leaned back and blinked in astonishment. When he could focus on her face again, he was stunned by the heart breaking concern that was painted all over her features.

"Alenk- Kaidan. I'm.. worried about you," she whispered and Kaidan could see the others trying to lean in to hear what she was saying, even Kardack. "I know the stuff you've been through and I know about the psych crap they're putting you through. I saw the files about you and I... know about what you do and _who_ you're doing when you're not drowning yourself in piss-poor wine."

Kaidan's heart fluttered in his chest. _She_ knew? _How in the hell did she_ -

"I'm an investigator, Kaidan," she said, as if she read his mind, "Or have you forgotten? I mean, yeah, I'm not one of the best but I know what I'm doing," She took his silence as permission to continue and she sighed before saying, "Look, I'm senior officer of our little group, so I sometimes do... background checks on anyone new who gets sent here. You used to serve on the Normandy with Commander Shepard and I went through some other... data. Where you'd been after, what your habits and usual hangouts were, who you were most likely to spend time with..."

Kaidan's felt the thudding grow stronger and stronger and he could feel panic swelling inside him. If he didn't know that Masyra cared so much, he would have been creeped out at how much she knew about him. _Shit, shit! Had I really been that obvious?_

"Come on, Kaidan, give me a little credit. Blue eyes? Close-cropped hair? Athletic physiques? Human males? I _know_ what you're doing to yourself and... and it's not healthy." Masyra noticed the hurt that Kaidan was trying so desperately to hide away and sighed again, flipping herself to the side and sat down next to him, keeping her head close. She looked up and glared at the figures that were shuffling closer to them however, until they started to move away from their little discussion, Turanas clearing his throat akwardly.

She turned back to Kaidan, who had refused to look at her after she'd mentioned the Normandy and Commander Shepard and chewed her lip in thought.

"Look Kaidan, I know about loss. I've just left my maiden years behind but already I've had more lovers return to the embrace of the Goddess than there are people in this room. It's not easy, and it'll never get easier. I think that you-"

"We were just starting Mas, it was only beginning," Kaidan's whispered croak interrupted her, "I... We could have been... more. It's.. it's like you get a taste of something that was so great and, and you just wanted to know what it could have been. What it, _should_ have been if things were... different."

Masyra could feel her heart tugging in Kaidan's direction and the raw want and sadness that tinged his words and scent were sending memories of her dead lovers cascading through her mind. The drell that had taught her how to handle a sniper with ease. The asari who wanted to share a life with her, an eternity and was killed by gang wars. So many. She felt her throat tighten at the memories and had to relax herself before she could continue speaking. She looked up again to make sure the others hadn't taken the opportunity to sidle closer and looked back at Kaidan, who was staring at his hands on his lap.

"You know I'm no High Poet Kaidan, so I'm just going to say this out. You can't go around screwing half the galaxy to fill the hole left by one great love. It just... doesn't work that way. Sure, you'll feel something for a while but the feeling will leave. It always does. It's like an... addiction and you need more of it the faster it wears off."

Her thoughts wandered to the scripts and forbidden lore that concerned the rumoured Ardat-Yakshi, though it was against custom to let other non-asari know about that blight in their history. She could draw parallels though, and the thoughts made her shudder even contemplating Kaidan in such a way and she swallowed forcefully before continuing. He still hadn't turned to look at her.

"I think... that you'll always mourn what was lost. It is in the nature of every sentient life. The difference between us is knowing that a part of that person still remains within you, your memories, and you keep them alive within you that way. It's a concept that asari must deal with, especially with shorter-lived bondmates, and we come to believe that small parts of their love can still be a part of us. But that love is a memory and cannot grant you true nourishment. You must use it as a... template of sorts and use it to fuel something more, tangible. Something that will nourish you."

Masyra was frustrated with herself, because she wanted to just go out and say it bluntly and found it difficult relaying asari concepts into human terms, but seeing Kaidan so emotionally unresponsive made her think to nudge him along more discreetly. As it was, she was a little stunned about the small smile that played on Kaidan's face.

"Mas, I didn't know that you could be so... eloquent. With your words. I didn't think you'd be so, uh, poetic under that harsh beauty of yours," Kaidan gently teased, and Masyra could feel her face purpling at being made fun of. She cleared her throat and stood up primly, as primly as her stocky body would allow anyway, and turned fiercely at Kaidan, stabbing a finger into his chest hard enough to make him wince.

"You ass! Here I was, trying to get you stopping screwing your way around the Citadel like some asari stripper maiden and find something more worthwhile and you make fun of my philosophical ideals?" Her voice was rising into something that resembled a shriek but she didn't care anymore. "What the hell, Alenko. You know what, why don't you just go and-"

"Mas," Kaidan spoke softly and the seriousness of his tone made her stutter to a stop. Perhaps she overdid it and she looked at Kaidan worriedly and hoped that she hadn't said anything that had hurt the young biotic. Apologies did _not_ come easily from her at all, and she could count on one hand the number of times she'd apologized to anyone in her life. Still, she took a breath before she opened her mouth to do so, face burning even more brightly at the thought of apologizing to Kaidan in front of Turanas _and_ Traatos. She'd never live it down.

"Mas," Kaidan repeated, "I think you've got a good idea there. Thank you, you're a, well, you're a good friend." Kaidan grinned and impulsively leaned forward and ever so softly pressed a quick kiss onto the scar standing out against her purple skin and smiled at her again before pulling on his clothes. She stood there gaping like a starved vorcha and didn't move even when Kaidan had left and walked away from the bunk, tapping away on his omni-tool.

The sound of an unpleasantly loud snigger and snort ripped her out of her stasis and she whirled over to Turanas and Traatos, sure as Thessia had eezo, that it had come from their direction. She saw that they looked just as shocked as she was, but they weren't looking at her. They were staring off to the side at Kradack, and the source of the sniggering and she heard for the first time ever, the salarian's high pitched giggle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this will be the last chapter for a while, though I promise you that there'll be a part 3. I'm actually wondering though, if you'd all prefer me to work on my posts chapter by chapter and upload them up as soon as they're done or whether you'd prefer if I worked on them offline and uploaded them in one go. There'd be a longer waiting time, but there would be less wait in between and all that.
> 
> Also, a bit of experimenting with supplemental characters that are non-canon, and much more dialogue. Tell me how you like it compared to something that is a little more indirect. I'm planning to add a little special... something in the last part though so hopefully there are people eagerly awaiting the final part and I'm not just a mad person tapping away on the keyboard.


End file.
